I'm Looking Forward

Have you ever feel so frustrated and scared in life that you just want to look – or even glimpse – at the future so that you can be assured that everything will be okay in the end?

Have you?

I have.

As I look at the pictures of the planes and clouds I have taken when I was on the plane to Bandung, a cold fear wash over me.

What if THIS is the place that I can never be at? What if I have to forget this dream? What if this all would be taken away from me? What would I do then?

Because right now, without THAT dream, I don’t think I’ll be able to LIVE.

By live, I don’t mean just waking up in the morning, have breakfast and walk around. I mean that my soul seems to have faded away along with the pieces of my crushed dream. If I am a car, then that one dream is the petrol for me to keep moving on. Without it, I feel useless, like there’s nothing I can do with my life.

My description is overdramatic, perhaps, but that’s what I feel. At least I’m being honest.

And honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of being where I have been all my life. I’m tired of being in my ‘comfort zone’.

If you ask me to describe my life, I would say this:

I have fallen and I am now bleeding. I am walking under the hot desert sun and I can feel the sand burning under my feet. Sweat runs down my face and clings to my clothes. I am hurting because it seems like the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I am lost. I have to find my way back. I look ahead but there is nothing. Sometimes I see something that would shade me from the heat, but it gets farther away when I try to reach it. I feel hopeless. I don’t know where life is.

I am constantly missing my mother, even if it’s mostly unconsciously. My mother is my life, she was my world. It hurts to use the past tenses whenever I talk about her. If other people say My mother has long hair, I would have to say My mother had walked on earth before. Now, not anymore.

Usually, this feeling would surface whenever I’m under a great deal of stress. Again, I would cry.

Dear reader, do you see where this is coming to? Do you see how I start to write about my fears to missing my mother? She’s always there, in the back of my mind.

I LIVE WITHOUT HER BUT I STILL NEED HER.

Enough talking about that.

I’m looking forward to my dreams; I’m looking forward to the time where I will eventually start to live. I’m looking forward to heal the wound inside me and walk under big trees with branches full of leaves to shade me from the harsh sun and cool me down.

I’m looking forward. 