I don’t know what I’d do with 48 hours a
day but I somehow sense that I need more than 24 hours a day.
SPM
(yes, SPM… you know, that thing – the worst nightmare for every 17-year-old
Malaysian) is hovering near, fluttering its wings above my head, reminding me
of its arrival with every breeze that tickled my face.
I
have many notes to finish (though I don’t think it does me any good when there
are countless reference books and every single detail needed for examination
was already printed out neat and clear in the textbooks), I have many weakness
to get over so that I can pass through its high gates, I have many wrongs to
right and I’m struggling with so many things I feel like running to the top of
a mountain, let the fog surround me, conceal me so that I’d stay hidden in the
cold forever and never have to come down.
But
that’s plain ridiculous, of course.
I
want to get over this stage and sleep peacefully without anxiety attacking my
heart with every beat, without worry bouncing around in my head, without dreams
that would make me restless in the days. I want to bury myself among the things
I love to do, I want to be surrounded with people I love, and I want to be free
again.
I
don’t know what life in college is like but I am quite sure that it’d be harder
than this. But I figure out that life in college might just be a little bit
pleasant since you get to learn things you’re really interested in as oppose to
learning stuff you don’t like.
What’s
pressing on me is my struggle with subjects that I deem unworthy of my
attention, subjects which I fought so forcefully but am still unable to get out
of the system. You see, I was forced to take this into the folds of my brain
and this isn’t something I’d like to do. It disappeared as soon as it appears
inside my head. The teacher doesn’t help either. I think she herself doesn’t
even know half the things she’s supposed to teach and she teaches in such a
boring and drab way that I slink further in my seat, my energy evaporated.
I
have no way to pique my interest anymore. Besides the subjects involved, the
other thing that depresses me is people’s perception of clever. If I am to tell
you that I get A+ for Mathematics or Additional Mathematics, you would
certainly say ‘Wow!’ with your mouth wide open and you would surely think ‘Man,
this girl is really clever to have scored A+!’. If I tell you I get 10A in SPM,
what would you think of me? The same thing, I’m sure of that. What if I tell
you I flunk Mathematics and I got only a couple of As in SPM? I’ve no doubt
you’d view me as ‘dumb’.
To
be honest, I have the same perception too but I try to change that. This perception
had often made me see myself as dumb, as someone who ‘just couldn’t do it no
matter what’. Getting As doesn’t promise you a place in this world. Get all the
As you can but lack of attitude would bring you down in the end. I remind
myself all the time that when someone gets straight As, it doesn’t mean she’s
very clever and if a student flunk a few subjects, it doesn’t mean that she’s
dumb. It merely means that her talent, the gift from God was somewhere else
besides the fold of her brain. Look at the brush strokes she made, the colour
that mixed in harmony when painted on a canvas by her very own hands. Look at
the beautiful picture she painted and see her ‘cleverness’ hidden deep in her
hands.
For
all you know, that one person you labeled as ‘dumb’ might just rise higher than
you. They’d probably start up a business, paint the most glorious picture the
eyes had ever seen, play the most beautiful melody the ears had ever heard,
write the words that yield the power to snake its way to your mind and your
heart.
Some
people are just gifted while others have to try twice as hard to reach the
level where the gifted so easily climb. I don’t blame them.
The
reason I’m ranting about this is because I feel that everyone thinks low of me
because of this one single thing. Just because I’m not ‘clever enough’ in
Mathematics, people think of me as someone who is useless, who has nothing to
offer, who has limited chances to succeed. I’m not speaking high of myself, but
I’m quite the writer with a talent that I try to enhance every chance I get.
When I say this NOW, people might just bat their lashes at me and walk away but
see how many people view Dato’ A.Samad Said as someone knowledgeable, clever,
worthy of their attention and respect? I have no idea how good his Math is but
he’s a writer. He writes. He contributes to the world by writing. He doesn’t do
Math. He doesn’t give out formulas to solve questions. He makes you think a lot
by his writing and he’s practically on top of the world as he is SOMEONE, a man
people often look up to.
So
just because you’re not good enough in Math, just because you’re not taking the
Science stream in high school, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid. You’re clever in
your own way. As long as you don’t give up and keep moving on, then you can
succeed someday, Insha-Allah.
And
don’t forget, when you succeed, you’ve proven not only to yourself but also the
rest of the world that you’re not dumb after all.
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