I'm Looking Forward

Have you ever feel so frustrated and scared in life that you just want to look – or even glimpse – at the future so that you can be assured that everything will be okay in the end?

Have you?

I have.

As I look at the pictures of the planes and clouds I have taken when I was on the plane to Bandung, a cold fear wash over me.

What if THIS is the place that I can never be at? What if I have to forget this dream? What if this all would be taken away from me? What would I do then?

Because right now, without THAT dream, I don’t think I’ll be able to LIVE.

By live, I don’t mean just waking up in the morning, have breakfast and walk around. I mean that my soul seems to have faded away along with the pieces of my crushed dream. If I am a car, then that one dream is the petrol for me to keep moving on. Without it, I feel useless, like there’s nothing I can do with my life.

My description is overdramatic, perhaps, but that’s what I feel. At least I’m being honest.

And honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of being where I have been all my life. I’m tired of being in my ‘comfort zone’.

If you ask me to describe my life, I would say this:

I have fallen and I am now bleeding. I am walking under the hot desert sun and I can feel the sand burning under my feet. Sweat runs down my face and clings to my clothes. I am hurting because it seems like the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I am lost. I have to find my way back. I look ahead but there is nothing. Sometimes I see something that would shade me from the heat, but it gets farther away when I try to reach it. I feel hopeless. I don’t know where life is.

I am constantly missing my mother, even if it’s mostly unconsciously. My mother is my life, she was my world. It hurts to use the past tenses whenever I talk about her. If other people say My mother has long hair, I would have to say My mother had walked on earth before. Now, not anymore.

Usually, this feeling would surface whenever I’m under a great deal of stress. Again, I would cry.

Dear reader, do you see where this is coming to? Do you see how I start to write about my fears to missing my mother? She’s always there, in the back of my mind.

I LIVE WITHOUT HER BUT I STILL NEED HER.

Enough talking about that.

I’m looking forward to my dreams; I’m looking forward to the time where I will eventually start to live. I’m looking forward to heal the wound inside me and walk under big trees with branches full of leaves to shade me from the harsh sun and cool me down.

I’m looking forward. 

Lucky You!

There was this one time in live when I have felt that I’m moving forward and maybe moving toward success. I was in primary school – perhaps eleven or twelve years old – and I felt that way simply because I was hugging a few books to my chest the way I see the big kids do. Big kids a.k.a high school kids and college students.

I vaguely remember wanting to grow up, to get this over with even though I couldn’t really say where I would be heading then.

But now that I’m in my senior year – the last year of high school for me – I can say that I feel more lost than when I was twelve. Because when you were twelve, you took an UPSR (examination) which will get you nowhere special except maybe good, expensive schools that claimed to have the best teachers and education system in the country. Then life went on and you moved forward. You took the PMR (examination) and then you started to think ‘Which stream should I take on next year?’ because this is when all the going-to-be lawyers and doctors and economists and etc. come up. And because in a couple of years, you’d sit for SPM (a very crucial examination!) which will bring you everywhere – depending on your results.

Which is why SPM has never been less than important in every Malaysians’ lives.

And what good timing! I feel lost in my last crucial year of high school, wondering where to go next and feeling ‘I-want-to-get-this-over-with’ and ‘God-how-am-I-supposed-to-do-this?’ mixing inside me, hurting me and driving me crazy because the uncertainty and anxiety are just too much to bear.

THAT and coupled with personal problems – a fight with family members, a failing relationship with an assshole of a boyfriend or losing someone you think of as your best friend ever – that is if you have any of the above.

Not that I have none of them. Err, but for the second problem I mentioned. That one is totally out of my book.

For now.

If you don’t, then you are extremely, extremely, extremely lucky!